Let the Healing Begin

You See My Smile, But Not My Pain

Kia Adams

I often lay at night wondering what my

future holds. Then, the what if’s and

regrets begin to set in. I don’t cry because

I don’t want people to see. They won’t

understand anyway. The only thing I will

hear is “hold on, keep praying.” I’m

holding and I’m praying. But what you

really don’t know is if I stop holding, stop

praying, I will die.

So, I smile and go on as if nothing is wrong

when really I am dealing with years

and years of hurt compiled with today’s

stresses of life. So what do I begin to do? I stop talking and distance myself. What I really want to do is just crawl under a rock and die, or just leave and never come back. Then I begin to think of my children and my family. I can’t leave. So, what do I do? I hold it in some more, I write, I cry and I write some more. Then I begin doing things to numb my pain. When I came down or back to reality the pain was still there. WHAT DO I DO?

I begin to talk to God and I said, “God, I want to be whole again. I want to smile and mean it. I want to be healed.”  I can remember driving and I was crying.  As I was crying my chest was hurting. I was confused at why my chest was hurting and that is when it was revealed to me that I had a broken heart. My heart was broken from the things that happened to me as a child all the way to date. I said, “God I want to be whole. What do I need to do to be healed and made whole?”

My process may be different from yours but here are the steps that I began to take. You have to be willing, honest and transparent in order to really heal and be made whole. Another good thing to have is a support system. A group of people that will walk with you in your process and be honest with you. They will be a positive influence in this walk and your life. I will share my steps in hopes that this will help someone in their walk to be healed and made whole. First, I reached out to my leaders. I am a believer of Christ and a leader in

ministry and it is and was important for me to talk to them and let them know what I’ve been dealing with. People can’t help you when they are left in the dark. Often times, it’s hard to reach out to people because we feel like we’re going to judged, talked about or abandon by loved ones. Secondly, I forgave all the people who hurt me. I even forgave myself. You may ask how? Forgiveness is not for the other person;

it is for you. We tend to get stuck in that place where we have been hurt. Meanwhile the other person has moved on with their happy life. I had to be honest with myself and say that I had not forgiven everyone. As a matter of fact, I was angry with them. So the way I released them was through prayer. 1 Peter 5:7  Cast your cares on Him; for He cares for you. Because I was sick and tired of being in the place I was in. I begin to cast all my worries to God and I didn’t pick them back up. So now when I have a thought it doesn’t hurt me anymore. Then I have a wonderful support system that I can talk to. We all need that someone that is strong when we are weak. It is good to just talk it out or cry it out with someone that is of great support that is not going to judge

you for having a moment that you are entitled to. Someone that understands that it’s only a moment and part of your healing process. Someone may say I don’t have a support system, but that’s okay I have been in that place. I went to counseling twice a week for an hour and I prayed that God place me around great people and He did just that. And last, I have hobbies. My hobbies are fun but they are not for fun per say. I have them to keep me from thinking so much. I journal, color and I love gardening. I have fallen in love with my plants and I am even going to take up sewing, which I am really

excited about. Once again, these are just steps that I have taken. Your process maybe different than mine. God has given us all the tools to be healed and mad whole, we just have choose whether we are going to utilize them. I chose to utilize the tools and I have my joy back. I still have a ways to go and the process is not easy but I am determined to live and be happy. My question to you is, do you want your joy back?